The holidays can be a special time for all of us. I look forward to Thanksgiving mostly because…I love stuffing. I also love seeing loved ones. For my sister and me, it’s also the one time we connect with our dad’s side of the family—the Corra’s, since we didn’t see them much growing up. We usually spend Christmas in Tennessee, just the two of us, so Thanksgiving is our chance to catch up and see how everyone’s doing.
I don’t get a lot of the usual questions about kids or marriage, but I do become popular when “estate planning” comes up. People want to know how to protect what they’ve worked for. I’m always happy to share what I know from my work at Jarvis Law Office, but that’s not my goal this Thanksgiving, and it’s not the point of this blog.
As many of you know, my dad passed away in 1999 at 42. My mom died in 2018 in her mid-fifties. In the last few years, I’ve also lost an aunt on my mom’s side and my Aunt Linda on my dad’s side. My dad was raised Catholic, so even with those losses I still have a big family, eight aunts and uncles on his side, most in their 60s and 70s. Dementia runs in my family. My grandmother was diagnosed before she passed about ten years ago. It’s fair to say my dad’s siblings are at higher risk.
That’s why I’m going to be a little extra observant this year at Thanksgiving.
You might ask, “Shouldn’t their kids be the ones noticing changes?” Sometimes, yes. But two things are true in my family (and probably yours):
- A few of my aunts and uncles don’t have children.
- When you see someone every week, gradual changes are easy to miss. Because I may only see some relatives once a year, I’m more likely to notice if something is “off.” I learned that the hard way with my mom. Being with her daily, I missed things that friends, who saw her less often. spotted right away.
Now, I’m not planning to stand at the door handing out cognitive tests like party favors. That would kill the vibe fast. I’m just taking quiet mental notes. For example, I have an uncle who remembers every single birthday in the family: his nieces, nephews, and even grandnieces and grandnephews. If I notice he’s suddenly struggling with dates, I’ll gently mention it to someone close to him. If an aunt sounds unexpectedly different on simple stories she’s always loved to tell, I might flag that to my cousins. From there, they can decide whether it’s worth calling their parent’s primary care doctor for a quick check-in.
If Thanksgiving is your one big family day too, it can be a good time, between football, refills, and pie, to make sure the basics are in place. Even if everyone’s healthy, a calm moment now beats a crisis later.
Here’s how I’m approaching it this year:
- Notice kindly. I’m looking for new patterns, not pouncing on every forgotten word. Everyone loses keys. I’m watching for changes that feel different than their “normal.”
- Share privately. If I’m concerned, I’ll mention it to a sibling or cousin, quietly and with care.
- Suggest, don’t insist. A simple, “It might be worth chatting with the doctor” goes farther than trying to diagnose anything at the table.
- Use the together-time. If people are up for it, this is a great moment to confirm where important documents live and who’s the point person if something happens.
People say the holidays are the busiest time of year. Maybe. But they’re also the only time many families are in the same room to talk about what matters. And most retirees I know are busy year-round. Between civic groups, volunteering, grandkids’ sports, and everything else. It’s far better to spend a little time now talking about the next chapter than to wait until someone is sick and you’re scrambling.
I say that as someone who’s been there. My sister and I had to prepare our mom for the end of her life when she wasn’t fully herself cognitively. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. If you’re a parent reading this, I promise, you don’t want your kids to have to guess your wishes. It’s never too early to plan. I’m almost the age my dad was when he passed, and I’ve made sure my own plans are in place.
So, I hope you have a magical Thanksgiving and that you’re surrounded by people you love—and a plate with extra stuffing. I also hope you’ll use a few quiet minutes to have conversations that make the next season a little clearer for everyone.
