If I were to walk into a room of people of 100 people and ask, “Who likes to have difficult conversations with their parents,” I doubt a single hand would rise in the air. It’s something few people like to do, and sadly it’s something I learned to do at an early age. It’s not fun, but more likely than not, all of us will have to discuss some serious topics with our parents. This can be made substantially worse if the topic involves issues with about memory or Memory Care.
Personally, I’ve always found that difficult tasks can be made easier when you talk to someone who has been in your shoes before. So, through my experience, and the knowledge shared by some of my team members, let’s take this difficult journey together.
Recently I discussed my issues with taking care of my mother as she neared the end of her life. In that recent blog I mentioned briefly that my mom had issues with her memory. She passed in her mid-fifties, and though she was never diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or Dementia, I now know that she had memory and functional loss brought on by several other conditions she was fighting at the same time. At one point she had a small stroke, and she was battling vision loss, heart failure, and kidney disease.
I’m not sure if everyone can pinpoint the moment, they knew their parents couldn’t live alone anymore, but for me, it was very clear. My father passed very early on in life, and my mom never remarried. She, however, did have a serious boyfriend for several years. About the time I was 30, their relationship ended, and my mom was living alone again. She was not driving due to her retinitis, but she was still very independent.
One evening after work, I stopped by around 9:00 PM. I quickly noticed my childhood home reeked of burnt plastic. Following my nose, I found a toaster oven in the kitchen had been left on and an electric screwdriver that was placed on top of the oven had melted. The entire kitchen was warm and I was quick to address the potential fire.
Once I got the mess cleaned up and the kitchen airing out, I searched for mom. She was asleep in her room. I woke her up to let her know that the house could have burnt to the ground! She however wasn’t very concerned. At that stage in my life, I was preparing to move to Hagerstown Maryland to start a new job, but instead, I moved in with my mom since could no longer be left alone safely. From there, mom steadily got worse and my life took a whole different turn than either of us had planned for. I am grateful that I was single and able to adjust my career plans to be able to do this for my mom. Not everyone will be able to alter their lives so drastically or on such short notice.
I had noticed some changes in Mom previously, but I had not realized the degree to which things had changed.I It was a wake-up call for me when the house nearly caught fire. Not everyone will see such obvious signs. I am forever grateful that the only real damage was to the drill and toaster oven.
Looking back, I am thankful that we were able to sidestep one of the most common and painful topics, that of driving. My mother hadn’t been driving for years because of her poor vision. However, many spouses and adult children won’t have that luxury. They’ll be faced with spotting the signs of unsafe driving before it becomes a safety “issue” that needs to be addressed.
I want to clarify that the possibility a loved one’s driving is unsafe is a much more complex issue than most people initially think. At the heart of this is a person’s, in this case your loved one’s, need for independence and autonomy. These needs must be measured against their own personal safety, as well as that of anyone else’s that they may encounter on the road and off the road.
At this stage, it’s a relief if the only damage that occurs is to personal property. Unfortunately, there are far too many instances of someone with dementia losing control of their vehicle and ramming into a grocery store, a park, a parked car or even a pedestrian. When you have a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer’s, the fear of their diminished capability resulting in an injury to pets and people is an incredibly heavy weight to bear. This is a weight no one asks for. But it is a responsibility that we must carry. Your loved one will no longer have the ability to objectively assess their own skills and capabilities at a certain point.
Simply put, an automobile is a big, complicated machine, that can act like a missile when not controlled properly. It can be easy for a person with dementia or Alzheimer’s to experience issues while driving. Previously, I worked for an automobile dealership. A fella whose family I know was a regular customer. He was easy to remember because his pride and joy was a 2001 Chevrolet Monte Carlo Dale Earnhardt Edition. It’s one of those cars that stands out, and it was in great shape for its age.
The dealership had an annual car show, and he always brought it. One year I noticed some damage to the vehicle but didn’t think much of it. A few weeks later I noticed the car at our body shop with even more damage. While the vehicle was still drivable, it was in bad shape. The Bodyshop repaired it like new, and he was happy. Then, about 6 months later, I saw him driving his Monte Carlo again, and it had once again been wrecked. Shortly after that I ran into his sister and asked if everything was okay. She said the family thought for sure that his accidents were a result of dementia, but they didn’t want to bring it up to him because it would upset him. Dementia runs in their family too.
Yikes!
Their situation isn’t unique. Like I said before, none of us want to have this conversation, but we must. How do you have a conversation with a loved one about their memory/cognitive issues?
Sadly, there is no specific way to have this conversation. But there are ways to prepare yourself and your loved ones to have a good outcome.
Approach with compassion.
While I am still learning a lot when it pertains to estate planning and elder care, I have a lot of experience in watching families have difficult conversations. No matter what the situation, when it comes to a difficult subject, it’s smart to approach it with compassion. Know that more likely than not your loved one is going to be scared. After all, they are losing independence, and most people don’t want to be dependent on others. I can say that when I had the conversation with my mom, it didn’t go well initially. I was part of the problem because I was giving up an awesome opportunity to take care of her. We didn’t have a great relationship to start with, and this made things worse. I should have put myself in my mom’s shoes, and you should approach your conversations with your loved ones the same way.
Realize It may take multiple conversations.
If you’re going into this with the hope that everything will be resolved in 10-15 minutes, you’re going to be disappointed. Chances are you will have to introduce the topic slowly and talk to your loved one multiple times when you approach them about memory loss and the possibility of care. Don’t rush it either. I know it can be difficult, especially if you’re also taking care of your own family, but patience is paramount in these situations.
Consult with someone who isn’t around your loved one as often.
I mentioned the incident with my mom and the toaster oven being an eye-opening event for me. It wasn’t until I started writing this blog that I realized there were other signs before that. My mom would often tell the same stories every time I was around her. I should have talked to one of my aunts or perhaps one of my mom’s friends who was not around her every day or even every month. They may have seen the signs earlier than I did. A lot of families notice something is up during the holidays because they are only able to spend a significant block of time with them once or twice a year. A family member who lives further away is likely to see changes other family members might miss due to experiencing the changes very gradually over an extended period of time.
Talk to your loved one’s medical professional.
When you start to suspect some issues with your loved one, you may not realize that you can consult with their medical professionals about their possible memory issues. If you suspect that your loved one may have early signs of dementia, Alzheimer’s, or any memory issue, have a conversation with their doctor. In fact, if driving is a concern, your loved one’s doctor can submit their findings to the DMV. This can start a series of actions that could revoke your loved one’s driver’s license for their safety. Look for an upcoming blog focusing on this topic soon.
Asking for a friend…
No one likes to think that they are losing their abilities. Many of us wouldn’t be able to remain calm and objective if our family members suggested we were. In order to introduce the idea or get your loved one’s input, it can be a good idea to start with sharing a story or example of something “your friend” may be going through with their parent. You can then gently ask questions about what your loved one might do if they were in a similar situation or even share that you find this scary. Talking about your feelings can help them feel safe to share their feelings and they may let you know that they are noticing some things themselves.
Approach with a plan.
I always like to say that a failure to plan is a plan for failure. This is especially true when it comes to having these conversations with your loved ones. In my case, the plan wasn’t great. Though I had a lot of help taking care of my mom, I should have planned better for breaks and time off. I rarely had time away from my mom when things were bad.
Your plan should include who will care for your loved one and if and when will it make sense to consider a care center. Will they move into an assisted living or move in with a loved one? How will your loved one pay for the care and assistance they need? If they simply aren’t driving anymore, who will take them to appointments, grocery shopping, and so on? Will this all affect that person’s ability to continue working or working full-time? Do they have other responsibilities or people who depend on them and when and how will anyone know when it is time to consider the next step in “the plan”?
One question you may want to consider is has someone gone through this before that could help you avoid some of the painful mistakes that most of us make? While you may know someone who has experienced some of what you are going through, it is never exactly the same for any of us. Each person and family is different, and so is our experience on this path. Getting help and guidance from people who work with families in similar situations can be extremely helpful.
Our Care Navigators provide information, explain options, and coordinate with our legal team. We support caregivers, advocate for quality of life, and focus on a “village” approach. “Should we hire a Care Navigator from Jarvis Law Office? I don’t know that. Your experience will be different than mine. I wish this service had existed when I was going through everything with my mom. Looking back, I see how much easier it would have been on all of us….
You and your family can have a different experience.
Having difficult conversations with our parents, particularly about memory issues and care, may be an inevitable part of life. While few of us look forward to stepping into this role, someone has to. Approaching these discussions with compassion, patience and a solid plan can make a significant difference for everyone involved. By considering multiple conversations, consulting with others who interact less frequently with your loved one, and seeking professional advice, you can navigate this challenging journey with more ease and less overwhelm.
Remember, you are not alone—many others have walked this path before, and with shared experiences and thoughtful preparation, you can find the support and guidance needed to ensure your loved one receives the care they deserve.
If you’d like to learn more about elder care planning, memory care planning, care navigation, Medicaid planning, estate planning or asset protection, contact Jarvis Law Office today. Fill out our online form or call (740) 639-5303 to schedule an appointment. Let us help you protect what matters most.
